My Mom Has Always Seemed Unenthused About My Twins. But Now She’s Been Making Uncomfortable Comments. - Slate

Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here. My husband and I have 2-year-old twins, which was a surprise because no one in our families had multiples. We’re so lucky that both of his parents are generous with babysitting time. They were a lifesaver for me, especially in the early newborn period after my husband had to go back to work. They did all the stuff I wished my parents would do: My mother-in-law would come over and help me take a bath while my father-in-law watched the kids, or he’d do our laundry while she watched the kids. They’d make our bed and set an alarm for me to nap while they watched the twins together, and they urged my husband and me to get out of the house and make time to be alone together, then helped facilitate it with child care. We’re close with my husband’s siblings and our son’s cousins, and we trade off a lot, watching each other’s kids and carpooling. We have our own friends, and my brother also helps if he’s in town, but the in-laws are most of our village. I love our kids and my husband to pieces, and I suspect that having support is part of what makes that love feel easy even when life isn’t. My parents also live locally, but we’re not close. When I told my mom I was pregnant, she didn’t react. She came to my baby shower for exactly as long as was polite. She and my dad scheduled a vacation that meant they’d be away on my due date, even though I’d asked them to stay local. We visit them with the kids every few months, but my parents don’t seem that into it. I’ve asked them to babysit a few times, and they were always too busy, even when it was a medical emergency—so I got the message and stopped asking. Now, every time my mom finds out that my mother-in-law watched the kids, she acts like she’s been snubbed. Or I’ll make small talk, mentioning that my husband took me to a concert for my birthday, and instead of saying, “Oh, how was it?” or some other appropriate response, she’ll immediately ask whether my mother-in-law watched the kids. I’ll tell her I want to try the new gym in town, and she’ll pivot to, “And where will the kids be while you do that”? She wedges it into every conversation, and I have no clue how to deal with this. If she doesn’t want to watch kids, she doesn’t need to! But this business of being irritated (or pretending she’s irritated?) that their other grandma watches them has got to stop. I can’t tell you what’s on your mother’s mind—whether she thinks she wants to watch your kids (or just thinks she should want to) but when faced with the reality of it, she balks … or she is fully aware that she has no interest in spending time alone with your children but is still jealous that their other grandparents do (or there’s some other explanation for this odd behavior). But I can tell you that you need to be frank with her. You can try that frank approach for specific situations: “Yeah, my in-laws watched them when we went to the concert. We’d like to go to a movie next Saturday night—would you like to watch them then?” and, “Would you like to watch them while I try out that new gym?” If she says she can’t, she’s busy, tell her what you’ve just told me: “Mom, if you’re too busy to help out with the kids, or you’d just rather not, that’s OK. But it’s getting on my nerves that you seem so upset about my in-laws watching them for me! What gives?” She may insist that she’s not upset. She may go on the attack. Stay strong. At least you’ve nudged this dynamic out into the open. And if you don’t want to pretend you think there’s a snowball’s chance in hell that she’ll say yes to sitting, then don’t bother with the specificity. Tell her you want to talk about something that’s been bothering you and go right to, “If you’re too busy…” Either way, it’s time to stop pussyfooting around. It’s time for her to be honest with herself and with you. One more thing: Do not use this conversation as an excuse to bring up past grievances (“You took a vacation when the babies were due! How could you?!”) or rehash your entire history with your parents—unless, that is, you’ve been yearning for a chance to unload all of that and you’d find it cathartic (or even give you a chance to start over with your parents, if your mother doesn’t react defensively). It would also be wise not to wax poetic to her about how wonderful your in-laws are, and how you’d never be able to manage without them. This will only make matters worse between you. Your best option is to stick to the subject at hand. And who knows? You might find out what’s going on with your mother. But even if you don’t, the next time she sulks about how reliant you are on your husband’s family, stop her: “We talked about this, Mom, remember? Let’s not get into that again.” Thanks! Your question has been submitted. My 7-year-old son, “Brandon,” and his 8-year-old cousin, “Caleb,” attend the same school. Brandon has a friend, “Isaac,” who has mild Down syndrome. Recently, Brandon asked me if he could “catch” what Isaac has. I explained that Down syndrome is something a person is born with, and no one can catch it. When I asked him why he wanted to know, he said that Caleb had told him that if he stayed friends with Isaac, he would catch his condition and “be a R-word for life.” I called my sister-in-law, “Opal,” and told her what her son had said to Brandon about Isaac. To my disgust, she thought it was the funniest thing ever! Opal has always been crass, but this is really egregious in my book. Brandon is turning 8 at the end of May, and I don’t think Caleb deserves to attend his party after what he did. My husband thinks I’m taking things too far and is warning me that excluding Caleb will “cause a family war.” Caleb made up a horrible lie about a child with a disability for the purpose of costing him a friend! Please tell me I’m in the right here. Disinviting (or even simply not including, if invitations haven’t been issued yet) an 8-year-old from his cousin’s birthday party as “consequences” doesn’t seem quite right to me—unless Brandon asks you to. That is, unless Brandon doesn’t like his cousin and doesn’t want to be friends with him. I hate it when parents force their children to be friends with cousins they dislike. (I was, as a child, and over 60 years later, I am still a little bit mad about it, because my Uncle Davey’s kids were awful.) But ignoring what happened in the interests of family peace is not the right thing to do either. You don’t know if Caleb was lying. Maybe he was just exhibiting his ignorance. Take the high road and assume the latter. (It is always best to take the high road.) If Opal has no interest in talking to her child about what he said to Brandon, I’m afraid this is the rare case where you need to intercede and do it yourself, as much for Caleb’s sake as anyone else’s. Someone has to educate him, model sensitivity for him, and let him know that hate speech is unacceptable, and why, or he’s going to grow up to be a mean, hateful person. (If Opal feels you’ve stepped over the line, well, that’s just too bad. If she’s not going to properly parent her son when he’s doing something harmful, he’s lucky if anyone else is willing to.) By the way, I’d have that conversation with Caleb when Brandon is present, assuming Brandon still wants to spend time outside of school with his cousin. Invite Caleb over to play one afternoon, then sit down with the two boys to talk. You might say, “Hey, Caleb, I heard about what you told Brandon about his friend with Down syndrome. I just want to make sure you know that Down syndrome is a genetic disorder, which means a person is born with it. It is not catching. And it’s cruel and wrong to refer to someone with a disability as the R-word. Please don’t do it again.” That’s all you have to say. And you will have made it clear to Brandon that you’ve got his back as well as his friend’s. Laura Helmuth and Doree Shafrir want to help you navigate your social dynamics at work. Does your colleague constantly bug you after hours? Has an ill-advised work romance gone awry? Ask us your question here! I raised my kids not to use their phones at the dinner table. Pretty low bar, right? I think it really helped them succeed in the adult world; they learned to talk in a mixed group setting, and they listened to adult conversations. No escape into the ‘gram allowed. Several of my friends do not have the same rule, which is fine … at their houses. But I hate going to any trouble for guests who are barely going to look up from their phones while at my table, eating the food I bought and prepared. I’ve actually dropped a few families from the regular list of dinner invitations because their children are so obvious in their contempt for the company and the effort the host has put in. So, two things. First, a public service announcement to all the parents out there: Make your kids act nicely when eating at other people’s houses. And also: Is there any way for me to enforce this at my own home without being a jerk? I think you can always enforce rules in your own home! Before everyone sits down to dinner, announce your policy: “We’re a no-phones-at-the-table house.” Have a place for everyone to set their phones down. (I had a dear friend who kept a basket for this purpose and made no exceptions.) If your guests hate this, so be it: Presumably, the next time they’re invited, they’ll decline the invitation. You never know, though. After the first few uncomfortable minutes, they may enjoy the temporary freedom from the tyranny of their phones. You’re not a jerk if you are clear to your guests about the rules of your house. You want people to take their shoes off at the door? Tell them—don’t just seethe when they don’t. If you don’t let people know what your expectations are, it isn’t fair to get angry with them for not fulfilling them. Nor is it fair—or anyway reasonable—to assume other people should raise their children the way you have yours. There are lots of ways to do a good job raising kids. And it’s not bad for kids to learn that different households have different sets of expectations. My 5-year-old had a fairly smooth transition to kindergarten after only limited preschool experiences (a half-day, 3-day-a-week outdoor nature school) because of Covid. He seems to have friends, be well liked by his classmates, and is testing academically at about average or a little above. He is an extremely bright and precocious kid, with a big vocabulary and big opinions. He likes to be “right” and sometimes struggles with agreeing to disagree.